Choosing My Religion

I was baptised a Roman Catholic. Throughout my life I have wrestled with my given religion. At one point I was quite devout and even considered a life as a religious. When I look back and think of the whys and hows of why I practiced, I think I was longing for structure and a constant spirituality in my life. No matter how crazy my life at home was I could always count on mass being at the same time every Sunday. If my parents drank themselves into oblivion and were abusive or said hurtful things Jesus loved me. When my life seemed to fall apart at the seams I would drown my sorrow in prayer. I often prayed for strength just to get through whatever it was I was dealing with.

As I grew older I began to question my religion. The church's anti- gay stance really went against my personal beliefs. I still get angry in hearing that gays are not allowed to march at the St. Patrick's Day parade. I thought everyone was Irish on March 17 not just straight Catholics. The whole birth control/abortion thing drives me crazy too. The God I believe in is not sending a 15 year old girl living in a broken home to hell for having an abortion. I would never have an abortion but hey, I have no right to tell another woman what kind of decision to make with her body. Don't even get me started on the sexual abuse committed by priests and hid by the church. So I have lived as a cafeteria Catholic for many years picking an choosing the doctrine that suits me and my conscious. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone kind of thinking.
I don't attend mass except for weddings, funerals and the occasional christening.

When my husband and I married eight years ago (he's Jewish) we had a reform rabbi officiate. My priest at the time refused to even meet with us because as he put it I would "be making a serious error in judgement before God" to marry someone who was not a Catholic. When I called the rabbi he asked me one question before we met: "Is he the one?" I didn't hesitate when saying yes my then fiance was "the one." We met the rabbi and he agreed to marry us. I had lots of questions for him during that first meeting. The big one was did I need to convert to Judaism before the wedding. He point blank told me no. He refused to covert anyone because of marriage. He said conversion would have to be for 'me' not anyone else. I thought this was an interesting concept and always held it in the back of my mind.

My husband and I agreed before we were even married we would raise our children (if we were so blessed to have any) as Jews. I learned all the traditions and holidays. I even learned to cook Jewish food thanks to my aunt and mother-in-law. I've lived somewhat of a Jewish life- just not officially I suppose. I still put up a Christmas tree every year but my husband was much better at decorating than I ever was which I found quite funny. Last month my husband's uncle passed away. He was 90 years old and lived in Florida. The funeral was here in New York. I have always preferred the Jewish rituals of death. There was no open casket, no 3 day wake, no fighting relatives over the best floral display at the funeral home. Jewish funerals are simple and dignified. I have always asked my family members to make sure I was buried like a Jew. At the funeral that hot summer day we all stood around the open grave and gently shoveled dirt in. All I could think of was these are not just my in laws buried here. This is my family. When my time comes this is where I belong. As I stood with my family and listened to the Hebrew prayers my mind drifted to of all people Yvonne De Carlo. She had this quote from the Ten Commandments "Your people are my people. I will go where they go." ( I don't think it's verbatim but you get the idea) Was this my sign ? For years I have considered conversion but never acted upon it. A few years ago I discussed this with my aunt. She said "If you have to ask, you aren't ready." It makes sense I suppose. I in turn ask myself "If not now then when."